Jest a While Jokes Page

Have a Good Laugh at These!

Doing Well Today!

Dear God,

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I
haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed.
>From then on I'm probably going to need a LOT of help.

Amen.

Contributed by: Maggie

The Cure

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner
prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores,
as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him,
it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love
with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If
you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband
will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor
say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Contributed by: Jennifer

Learning the Ways of Life

A naive young priest just out of seminary gets assigned to a church
near downtown.

As he gets off the bus and begins walking to the church, a prostitute
steps out of a doorway and says, "Hey father, would you like a
quickie for only twenty five bucks?"

He doesn't even know what she is talking about, so he politely turns
her down and proceeds to his new church where the Mother Superior
helps him get settled in.

Later that evening, at dinner, the Mother Superior says, "I know this
is your first assignment out of seminary, so, if you have any
questions, I want you to feel free to ask me anything."

Remembering the encounter with the prostitute earlier, he says, "As
a matter of fact, I do have one question. What's a 'quickie?'"

To which she says, "Twenty five dollars - same as downtown."

Contributed by: Anonymous

The Educated Parrot

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot
with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to
it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string
he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German,"
replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper
inquires.

"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

Contributed by: Ashwin

Distressed

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a
beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to
shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, "Shut
up! You're next!"

Contributed by: Carol

Suspicious

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're
running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Contributed by: Dawn

The Telephone Pole

A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting
workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of
five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.

The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give them a
test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone
pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to
hammer it in first, they will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the
Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.

A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.
"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the
other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed
is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men.

An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the
Blonde crew arrive. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as
if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss
incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole
in halfway!!"

Contributed by: JoLene

Don't you just hate that?

A Dr. was hurriedly going down the hallway when a nurse came rushing
after him explaining that she needed his signature on a patient's chart.

He reached into his pocket and was about to sign his name when he
realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. "Damn!" he says to
the nurse, "some asshole has got my favorite pen!"

Contributed by: Dave

God Will Save Me...

There came a big flood, and the water around Joe's house was rising
steadily..

Joe was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him,
when a man in a boat came along. and called to Joe, "Get in the
boat and I'll get you out of here." Joe replied. "No thanks. God will
save me."

Joe went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So,
he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to
Joe, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

Again, Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water kept rising. So, Joe got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Joe, "I'll drop
you a rope. Grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

Again Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house.
Joe fell in, and drowned.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't
you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would
you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?"

Contributed by: Jack and the archives

The End